At Treign Up, (the ministry I share with my son, Benjamin, and his team) we try and delve into issues or topics that deal with the boy crisis.  Sometimes, we write about things we don’t know.  It involves research, study, and analysis.  Other times we write about things we do know.  That involves personal experience, passion, history.   Sometimes, it’s a combination of both.  But rarely do I  get to write about something so near and dear to my heart as this:  Being a GRANDFATHER. 
 
I’m not going to assume that everyone or even most people have had a good experience with a grandfather or grandmother.  For those who have not, I ask for your grace as you read this article.  It might even be hard for you to read. I know people who have been cut off from seeing their grandchildren for one reason or another which causes enormous grief, and I would add, serious repercussions in the life of the children involved.  There are many grandparents who have been forced into being primary care givers for their grandchildren, which has caused all sorts of added pressures to their lives.  I’m saying it’s not always idyllic and we all understand that.  Even as I write this, I feel like I’m walking through a minefield of potential triggers for trauma in people’s lives.  But, by means of this disclaimer, I ask for grace and permission to write about what it is intended to be and certainly what it could be.   I know in my own case, it is what it is.
 
I’ve heard it all my life.  “Wait until you get grandchildren.”  Okay.  “Oh, grandchildren are the only reason to have children.”  Got it.  “If I’d had known that being a grandparent was so wonderful, I would have had them first.”  Right.  According to the American Grandparents Association, 72% of grandparents think being a grandparent is the single most important and satisfying thing in their life.
 
Then, one day, you’re holding a grandchild.  That’s when the world fades away into the background and the only thing that matters anymore is that little bundle in your arms.  Does anyone really know why?  Can anyone really explain that to you in a way that prepares you for it? 
 
After my first grandson was born, my son and I had a conversation about rules.  Of course, I did not generate that conversation because my first rule as a grandparent is that there are no rules.  That’s the privilege of being a grandparent.  But, I said this, “I taught you how to be a father and now I’m going to teach you how to be a grandfather.”  I had no real basis for saying the later because, quite frankly, I don’t know that I have a grasp on that.  Perhaps you fake it until you make it.  But, not really….
 
Because that ‘thing’ that happened to you when you first held your future in your arms was the reassurance that a time release capsule just went off inside of you.  It was euphoric but also certain.  You began to feel as if you would have everything you needed for this job when you needed it.   That has been the journey so far.   It has not been labor intensive, unless you consider the labor of love a burden.  Grandchildren are a complete joy.
 
Grandmothers, you can stop reading here as we will not be talking about you any further in this article!  We want to address how a man speaks into the life of his grandsons.  Is it unique?  It certainly is.  It’s different than a grandmother and her influence on grandchildren.  It’s also different for a man and his granddaughters.  I can only assume this based on research and study since I don’t have any daughters or granddaughters.   I also want to include older men who have no biological connection to  children.  It’s the same as the conflict with single women or married women who have no children.  Should they be celebrated on “Mother’s Day”?  Of course they should.  Every female has the same DNA to connect to children in a unique way.  Just because you don’t have children doesn’t mean you can’t have maternal or paternal instincts.  Do you know that the name “Abram” means exalted father?  But he didn’t have any children until his late 80s.  Can you imagine that conversation? 
 
: I’m Joseph.  What’s your name?
: I’m Abram?
: Ah, Abram.  That means exalted father, right?
: Well,  yes.
: How many children do you have?
: Actually, I don’t have any.
(Awkward silence.)
 
So, God changed his name to Abraham, which means Father of many nations.  Abraham was always going to be a father even though he didn’t have children for many years.  The seed was in him to be so.  The seed is in every man to be so.   We know the sentiment of that is true.
 
What IS the role that a grandfather plays in the life of a boy?
 
Well, the obvious responses are they are men and they are vested in the life of their grandchildren.  We’ve made the case for intentional fathers.  It’s the same for grandfathers.  Also, whether or not they have grandchildren, they can and should be part of the company of men that supports a boy in his journey to manhood.  Older men have much to offer in terms of wisdom and experience.  We have a man in our house church whom refer to as “The Sage”.  He is twenty years older than the rest of us.  His job is to be present.  He rarely speaks in the service setting, but he’s quite the talker around the table, where most of the real ministry happens in house church anyway.  However, when he prays, there is a sense of intimacy and experience in his voice, that speaks to many years of knowing someone. 
 
When I was a children’s pastor, I went straight to the Senior Adult group in our church for support.  I viewed them as one of the greatest resources in the church regarding children’s ministry.  I asked them to be involved in any and every way possible.   In children’s ministry, they were NOT on their way out the door.  My door was a revolving door that brought them straight back into the room where their gifts, talents, and experiences would be life giving.   I especially implored them to be of service in our mid-week programs where we valued apprenticeships.   I asked the older men who had hobbies to share skill sets with young children for 6-8 weeks in a semester.  I didn’t REALLY care about the skill sets.  I cared about the relationships and the natural bond between a grandfather and a child is one of the most natural to leverage in ministry.
 
Other than that, what is the role of the grandfather in the life of a boy?
Studies show that as many as 9 out of 10 adult grandchildren feel that their grandparents influenced their beliefs and values. A child’s perspective of what constitutes a healthy, normal relationship is shaped by the relationship that he or she holds with a grandparent. Through regular contact, a sense of emotional intimacy, and unwavering support, children can experience what a true, positive relationship should look like.   Just this week, I was invited to an engagement party for young man that grew up with my son.  At the end of the party, he spoke to the group about some key people in the room.  In referring to his brother he said, “Many of you know that we didn’t have a stable home life.”  Well, that would probably be the understatement of the year.  Both he and his fiancé came from broken homes.   His situation was tumultuous and I know that the most stable influence in his life through those difficult years was the love of his grandparents.  They saved the children from the chaos ensuing from that brokenness and offered them stability and reassurance.  That man was in the room that night and I couldn’t help but wonder if he fully understood the impact he had made on his grandchildren. 
Grandfather’s teach skills; they tell stories, some of which are integral in understanding your history; perhaps not to the extent of the man in the previous paragraph, but they also provide stability in the family through regular child care and family support, when needed.  They can actually help the mental health of a child.  A 2014 study at Boston College found that “an emotionally close relationship between grandparent and grandchild is associated with fewer symptoms of depression for both generations.”
My guess is that you’re not surprised by most of these insights.  They seem obvious, don’t they?  And I’m sure that there are many more benefits that a an ‘intentional’ grandfather can bring to his grandson’s life.  I would be amiss if I didn’t talk about honor.  We live in a culture that doesn’t honor the elderly.  Older people are often seen as a being disposable.  Asian cultures follow filial piety which honors the aged among them and values the patriarchs and matriarchs of families.  Whereas other cultures would never consider sending their again parents to nursing homes or assisted living facilities, we in the West actually plan for it before it may even be necessary.  But, using grandparents to teach honor to children is a noble and biblical ideal.   This is another place that my son and daughter-in-law do well.  They often use interactions that our grandchildren have with us to teach them about honor.  Since they are all boys, we never let them hit us or show disrespect.   Just a few days ago, my little three-year-old grandson was mad at me for taking something from him.  He screamed in anger, “No Pappy!”  My son was right on it.  He took his son away and explained that we don’t respond to Pappy or Gigi that way and that they deserve honor and respect.  My grandson came back and apologized.  Well, he tried.  But he kept looking away and wouldn’t maintain eye contact with me.  That did not escape my son’s attention and he made him look me in the eye and apologize for something specific.   That is a wonderful teachable moment and a great place for grandparents to partner with parents on teaching children about honor and respect. 
There is ONE more thing that I believe is of spiritual importance here.  Hebrew culture placed a huge emphasis on patriarchs and patriarchal figures.  The oldest man in every family was held in highest honor in that culture and given much authority over an extended family.  Certainly, we see this in the patriarchs of Israel’s history:  Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.   The blessing to each child came down through the patriarch of that family line.  I spoke about this when I discussed the topic of blessing and the power of the spoken word over our children.   Each year near Halloween, we host what I call GrandFest”.   It is a celebration of speaking blessing over family by the males in the family to include a patriarchal blessing spoken by the oldest male (usually grandfather) that is present in that family circle.  It is a beautiful thing to watch the father’s speak affirmation, blessing, and laying hands on their children to convey a spiritual sense of covering and protection.   Much of this has to do with the very tenants of Treign Up.  In God’s design for spiritual institutions (family and church) a man is meant to ‘cover’ and ‘lead’ with Christ-like compassion and sacrificial giving.  God does not give that responsibility to a man without commensurate authority and spiritual power to back it up.  So, the prayer of blessing by the men in the family, to include the patriarch of that family, is of significant importance in the life of children and especially boys.
And did I mention that being a grandparent (to boys) is just awesome?  As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, I told my son I would teach him how to be a grandfather.  I didn’t have that model growing up and neither did my sons.  So, we’re learning together.  But, I believe God is leading me and I want to do well.  I want to do very well.

I was supposed to be working on an article about peer pressure and parenting for our ministry,. Treign Up. It’s a good topic.  But I’m going to have to go off script to share insights about the Daniel Penny story.
The Daniel Penny case revolves around a May 1, 2023, incident on a New York City subway in which Penny, a 24-year-old former U.S. Marine, placed 30-year-old Jordan Neely, a homeless man, in a chokehold after Neely reportedly acted erratically and made aggressive remarks. The altercation led to Neely’s death, ruled a homicide caused by neck compression.
The case sparked widespread debate about public safety, mental health, and the appropriateness of Penny's actions. Penny argued he acted to protect himself and others, while critics labeled the act excessive and potentially racially motivated, as Penny is white and Neely was Black. Penny was charged with manslaughter and later pleaded not guilty. The case has remained a focal point in discussions about justice and the balance between self-defense and the use of force.
On December 9, 2024, the jury in the trial acquitted Daniel Penny of all charges stemming from the case.  So, there was some good news in the middle of all that insanity.  The infamous, Alvin Bragg,  Manhattan DA, whose soft-on-crime approach to prosecuting crime is one of the reasons that citizens of NYC ride the subway in constant fear, stated that he would “honor the jury’s decision.”   That, in and of itself, is a surprise, considering Bragg’s record  as the lead prosecutor for the Manhattan district.
There are several parts of this story that are pertinent to our discussion on the boy crisis in America.  The first is the traditional role that men have had since the beginning of time as protector.   In our upcoming book “Boys Have a Dam Problem:  Examining the Faults that Have Put Our Boys in Crisis”,  we talk about the biblical mandates that God gave men first.  By ‘first’, we mean assignments that were given to men before there were women or were given by God to men in particular.   These roles are Laborer, Leader, and Priest (before God and before other people).  Somewhere under the ‘covering’ function of Leader is the distinct role men play defending others, especially loved ones.  I would never, ever send my wife downstairs in the middle of the night to check out a strange sound.  That would be cowardly.  I’m reminded of the heroic actions of  Corey Comperatore who died at a Trump rally in Butler, PA this past summer when he dove in front of his wife and daughter to protect them from gunfire.  I would only hope that I was as brave in that moment of crisis.
The movie “Titanic” was the largest grossing movie ever for a time.  One of the main characters, Cal (Caledon Hockley) was (and was portrayed) as an arrogant, narcissistic aristocrat.  In the movie, and real life, he survives the shipwreck in the most cowardly way imaginable.  What you don’t learn is that 1339 men died on that ship compared to 114 women and 56 boys and girls.  Do you know why?  Because hundreds of fathers gave their lives to save their wives and children that night.  That storyline, however, was not highlighted.
When asked after the trial how to reflect on the incident, Penney stated that he could not have lived with himself if he had done nothing.  Ten of the twelve witnesses on the subway train that day said they were afraid for their lives.  There were mothers and elderly women on the train that day.  They needed a hero when Jordan Neely stepped in and started threatening them with his wild antics, menacing language, and unstable behavior.  Turns out their fears were well founded.  Neely has a 42-arrest history, spanning from 2013 to 2021. Among these are four cases involving claimed violence, while other cases included charges of criminal trespass and transportation fraud.  Thanks to a criminal justice system run by the likes of Alvin Bragg, Neely was never held accountable for his actions.  In reality, the NY DA’s office should have been the ones on trial here.  But, it was Daniel Penny who was on the train that day and felt obligated as a man of courage, to intervene and protect those who were being victimized by Neely.  The former Marine vet with a spotless record, who was working on a college degree, wrestled Neely to the ground and held him a choke-hold until the authorities could get on site.  Neely later died from a number of ‘combined factors’ none of which were the chokehold and for that, Penny was charged with manslaughter and criminally negligent homicide.  Thank you for your service.  Your reward is 19 years in prison.
What kind of message do you think that sends to men and boys?  Deny every impulse and urge to protect others.  Save yourself.  Ignore your God-given responsibility to protect and defend.  Don’t be a hero.  DON’T BE A HERO.  Wow. 
I’m sure they are out there, but I don’t know a daughter, a mother, or a grandmother that wouldn’t want Daniel Penny on their train.  Culture says, “ masculinity is toxic.”  Of course, they are referring to Penny and not Neely.   How mixed up is that?
The second issue with the case is the story of Neely’s father, Andre Zachary.  Zachary was absent from Neely’s life.  Neely was raised by a mother who was killed by an abusive boyfriend when Jordan was only 14 years old.  After that, he was placed in foster care as an ORPHAN.  Where was Zachary?  After that, Neely spent a life on the streets, embroiled in crime, drugs, and homelessness.  No place to stay?  Where was Zachary, his father?  He was nowhere to be found until his son died and then he shows up shouting obscenities in the courtroom after the verdict was reached.  He was escorted out but wasted little time in grabbing a hot microphone to blame systematic racism, the rigged system, UFOs, the Little Old Ladies of the Crochet Club, and everyone else for ‘failing’ his son.  Really?  Oh, and of course, he found a more than willing lawyer to file a civil suit against Penny for the wrongful death of his son.  HIS son by DNA only.  THIS was the problem from the start.  Jordan Neely was doomed because his father abandoned him.
Corey Brooks is a pastor on the south side of Chicago that works with young men and deals regularly with the problems of absentee fathers.  He’s a contributing writer for Fox News and recently wrote an article called, “Jordan Neely’s father played a role in his death.  Don’t ignore America’s fatherhood crisis.” The article was published December 10, 2024.  Regarding Zachary, Brooks notes:
And now he shows up when his son is cold and buried? To be clear, he didn’t show up for Jordan. He showed up for himself. Andre Zachary was never a father in any meaningful way and does not deserve that precious title.  This angers me in ways that most people wouldn’t understand. I minister and work on the South Side of Chicago and I understand more than most how detrimental the absentee father has been to our community. I work with them every day.
At Treign Up, we believe there are three primary reasons for the boy crisis:
1.     Deprivation of intentional fathers in the home
2.     Disengagement of our boys from the current cultural education structures
3.     Distortion and denial around biblical manhood leading to the demonization of masculinity.
The reason I shared this article is because it brings up two of the three issues contributing to this wicked problem in one story.   Daniel Penny was never the bad guy in this story.  The real culprit is the likes of Andre Zachary and the efforts of Alvin Bragg and his justice department to make the hero in this story look like a villian.   At least for a day in December in 2024, a jury of Daniel Penny’s peers recognized the deception and (for a moment) stemmed the tide rising to discredit and distort masculinity and manhood in America.  Thank you Daniel Penny for your service.  You did not jump ship when you had the chance.