![]() At Treign Up, (the ministry I share with my son, Benjamin, and his team) we try and delve into issues or topics that deal with the boy crisis. Sometimes, we write about things we don’t know. It involves research, study, and analysis. Other times we write about things we do know. That involves personal experience, passion, history. Sometimes, it’s a combination of both. But rarely do I get to write about something so near and dear to my heart as this: Being a GRANDFATHER. I’m not going to assume that everyone or even most people have had a good experience with a grandfather or grandmother. For those who have not, I ask for your grace as you read this article. It might even be hard for you to read. I know people who have been cut off from seeing their grandchildren for one reason or another which causes enormous grief, and I would add, serious repercussions in the life of the children involved. There are many grandparents who have been forced into being primary care givers for their grandchildren, which has caused all sorts of added pressures to their lives. I’m saying it’s not always idyllic and we all understand that. Even as I write this, I feel like I’m walking through a minefield of potential triggers for trauma in people’s lives. But, by means of this disclaimer, I ask for grace and permission to write about what it is intended to be and certainly what it could be. I know in my own case, it is what it is. I’ve heard it all my life. “Wait until you get grandchildren.” Okay. “Oh, grandchildren are the only reason to have children.” Got it. “If I’d had known that being a grandparent was so wonderful, I would have had them first.” Right. According to the American Grandparents Association, 72% of grandparents think being a grandparent is the single most important and satisfying thing in their life. Then, one day, you’re holding a grandchild. That’s when the world fades away into the background and the only thing that matters anymore is that little bundle in your arms. Does anyone really know why? Can anyone really explain that to you in a way that prepares you for it? After my first grandson was born, my son and I had a conversation about rules. Of course, I did not generate that conversation because my first rule as a grandparent is that there are no rules. That’s the privilege of being a grandparent. But, I said this, “I taught you how to be a father and now I’m going to teach you how to be a grandfather.” I had no real basis for saying the later because, quite frankly, I don’t know that I have a grasp on that. Perhaps you fake it until you make it. But, not really…. Because that ‘thing’ that happened to you when you first held your future in your arms was the reassurance that a time release capsule just went off inside of you. It was euphoric but also certain. You began to feel as if you would have everything you needed for this job when you needed it. That has been the journey so far. It has not been labor intensive, unless you consider the labor of love a burden. Grandchildren are a complete joy. Grandmothers, you can stop reading here as we will not be talking about you any further in this article! We want to address how a man speaks into the life of his grandsons. Is it unique? It certainly is. It’s different than a grandmother and her influence on grandchildren. It’s also different for a man and his granddaughters. I can only assume this based on research and study since I don’t have any daughters or granddaughters. I also want to include older men who have no biological connection to children. It’s the same as the conflict with single women or married women who have no children. Should they be celebrated on “Mother’s Day”? Of course they should. Every female has the same DNA to connect to children in a unique way. Just because you don’t have children doesn’t mean you can’t have maternal or paternal instincts. Do you know that the name “Abram” means exalted father? But he didn’t have any children until his late 80s. Can you imagine that conversation? : I’m Joseph. What’s your name? : I’m Abram? : Ah, Abram. That means exalted father, right? : Well, yes. : How many children do you have? : Actually, I don’t have any. (Awkward silence.) So, God changed his name to Abraham, which means Father of many nations. Abraham was always going to be a father even though he didn’t have children for many years. The seed was in him to be so. The seed is in every man to be so. We know the sentiment of that is true. What IS the role that a grandfather plays in the life of a boy? Well, the obvious responses are they are men and they are vested in the life of their grandchildren. We’ve made the case for intentional fathers. It’s the same for grandfathers. Also, whether or not they have grandchildren, they can and should be part of the company of men that supports a boy in his journey to manhood. Older men have much to offer in terms of wisdom and experience. We have a man in our house church whom refer to as “The Sage”. He is twenty years older than the rest of us. His job is to be present. He rarely speaks in the service setting, but he’s quite the talker around the table, where most of the real ministry happens in house church anyway. However, when he prays, there is a sense of intimacy and experience in his voice, that speaks to many years of knowing someone. When I was a children’s pastor, I went straight to the Senior Adult group in our church for support. I viewed them as one of the greatest resources in the church regarding children’s ministry. I asked them to be involved in any and every way possible. In children’s ministry, they were NOT on their way out the door. My door was a revolving door that brought them straight back into the room where their gifts, talents, and experiences would be life giving. I especially implored them to be of service in our mid-week programs where we valued apprenticeships. I asked the older men who had hobbies to share skill sets with young children for 6-8 weeks in a semester. I didn’t REALLY care about the skill sets. I cared about the relationships and the natural bond between a grandfather and a child is one of the most natural to leverage in ministry. Other than that, what is the role of the grandfather in the life of a boy? Studies show that as many as 9 out of 10 adult grandchildren feel that their grandparents influenced their beliefs and values. A child’s perspective of what constitutes a healthy, normal relationship is shaped by the relationship that he or she holds with a grandparent. Through regular contact, a sense of emotional intimacy, and unwavering support, children can experience what a true, positive relationship should look like. Just this week, I was invited to an engagement party for young man that grew up with my son. At the end of the party, he spoke to the group about some key people in the room. In referring to his brother he said, “Many of you know that we didn’t have a stable home life.” Well, that would probably be the understatement of the year. Both he and his fiancé came from broken homes. His situation was tumultuous and I know that the most stable influence in his life through those difficult years was the love of his grandparents. They saved the children from the chaos ensuing from that brokenness and offered them stability and reassurance. That man was in the room that night and I couldn’t help but wonder if he fully understood the impact he had made on his grandchildren. Grandfather’s teach skills; they tell stories, some of which are integral in understanding your history; perhaps not to the extent of the man in the previous paragraph, but they also provide stability in the family through regular child care and family support, when needed. They can actually help the mental health of a child. A 2014 study at Boston College found that “an emotionally close relationship between grandparent and grandchild is associated with fewer symptoms of depression for both generations.” My guess is that you’re not surprised by most of these insights. They seem obvious, don’t they? And I’m sure that there are many more benefits that a an ‘intentional’ grandfather can bring to his grandson’s life. I would be amiss if I didn’t talk about honor. We live in a culture that doesn’t honor the elderly. Older people are often seen as a being disposable. Asian cultures follow filial piety which honors the aged among them and values the patriarchs and matriarchs of families. Whereas other cultures would never consider sending their again parents to nursing homes or assisted living facilities, we in the West actually plan for it before it may even be necessary. But, using grandparents to teach honor to children is a noble and biblical ideal. This is another place that my son and daughter-in-law do well. They often use interactions that our grandchildren have with us to teach them about honor. Since they are all boys, we never let them hit us or show disrespect. Just a few days ago, my little three-year-old grandson was mad at me for taking something from him. He screamed in anger, “No Pappy!” My son was right on it. He took his son away and explained that we don’t respond to Pappy or Gigi that way and that they deserve honor and respect. My grandson came back and apologized. Well, he tried. But he kept looking away and wouldn’t maintain eye contact with me. That did not escape my son’s attention and he made him look me in the eye and apologize for something specific. That is a wonderful teachable moment and a great place for grandparents to partner with parents on teaching children about honor and respect. There is ONE more thing that I believe is of spiritual importance here. Hebrew culture placed a huge emphasis on patriarchs and patriarchal figures. The oldest man in every family was held in highest honor in that culture and given much authority over an extended family. Certainly, we see this in the patriarchs of Israel’s history: Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The blessing to each child came down through the patriarch of that family line. I spoke about this when I discussed the topic of blessing and the power of the spoken word over our children. Each year near Halloween, we host what I call GrandFest”. It is a celebration of speaking blessing over family by the males in the family to include a patriarchal blessing spoken by the oldest male (usually grandfather) that is present in that family circle. It is a beautiful thing to watch the father’s speak affirmation, blessing, and laying hands on their children to convey a spiritual sense of covering and protection. Much of this has to do with the very tenants of Treign Up. In God’s design for spiritual institutions (family and church) a man is meant to ‘cover’ and ‘lead’ with Christ-like compassion and sacrificial giving. God does not give that responsibility to a man without commensurate authority and spiritual power to back it up. So, the prayer of blessing by the men in the family, to include the patriarch of that family, is of significant importance in the life of children and especially boys. And did I mention that being a grandparent (to boys) is just awesome? As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, I told my son I would teach him how to be a grandfather. I didn’t have that model growing up and neither did my sons. So, we’re learning together. But, I believe God is leading me and I want to do well. I want to do very well.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Author
Archives
February 2025
|