good Grief: Parenting Children Through Loss With Intention and compassion

As I mentioned in my last article, my father passed away recently.  The day before that my neighbor’s father passed on.  Last week, dear friends put down a family pet.  Death is very much a part of our lives.  Benjamin Franklin is noted as saying ‘only two things are certain:  death and taxes.’  Statistics tell us 150,000 people die everyday.  That’s over 50,000 per hour.  Death is part of life.
My son and his family were not able to bring my grandchildren to my father’s funeral.  When I was coming home, he told me that they had a ‘service’ for Pap-Pap.   My oldest grandson expressed that he would have liked to told Pap-Pap goodbye because my father had been ‘nice to him’.  The whole experience gave me pause to think about shepherding children through grief.
A normal grieving process involves a fluid, individual journey through intense emotions like shock, denial, anger, sadness, and eventual acceptance, but not necessarily in a linear order, often including physical symptoms, and requiring patience as there's no set timeline, with some experiencing "waves" of feelings and others feeling numb or detached before gradually integrating the loss and rebuilding their lives.   I have always said that grief is the price we pay for love.  The cost is high but it’s worth it.
 
Children, however, do not grieve the same as adults do because of cognitive development.  Younger kids express it through behavior and regression, while older children and teens use play, more verbalization, or even risky actions, often experiencing grief in short bursts or re-grieving as they develop new cognitive skills. Their grief is shaped by developmental stages, leading to unique expressions like magical thinking in preschoolers or adolescent social withdrawal, highlighting the need for age-appropriate support like play therapy for younger ones and open dialogue for teens. 
 
Here are some insights into how cognitive development may shape grief by ages:

• Toddlers & Preschoolers (Ages 2-5)
  • Understanding: Limited grasp of death's permanence; may think the person will return.
  • Expression: Behavioral regression (bedwetting, clinging), sleep/appetite issues, tantrums, and even seemingly unrelated hyperactivity.
  • Key Need: Reassurance and consistent routines.
• School-Age Children (Ages 6-12)
  • Understanding: Begin to grasp death's finality but may have magical thinking (believing they caused it) or fear abandonment.
  • Expression: Intense bursts of grief, withdrawal, somatic complaints (headaches), irritability, and declining school performance.
  • Key Need: Concrete explanations, safe environments, and tools like play to process feelings.
• Adolescents (Ages 13-18)
  • Understanding: Understand death's permanence but grapple with complex, abstract emotions, often fearing their own mortality.
  • Expression: Similar to adults (depression, anxiety) but also risk-taking, social withdrawal, substance use, or acting out.
  • Key Need: Validation, peer support, and help managing complex emotions alongside identity formation. 

The key differences here to consider are:

• Intermittent Grief: Children often grieve in short, intense bursts, appearing fine in between, confusing adults.
• Behavioral Manifestations: They "act out" feelings through actions rather than words due to limited emotional vocabulary.
• Reliance on Adults: They look to caregivers to model coping and provide a sense of safety and stability. 

As an ‘intentional’ parent, moments like the passing of a loved one are important in the spiritual development of children.   They are certainly a moment to ‘add to’ or ‘introduce’ key spiritual principles depending on the ages of the children AND the spiritual and emotional development of each child.  Here are few points to consider in your approach:
1. Tell the truth—simply and gently
Children need honesty, but in age-appropriate language.

• Use clear words like “died” rather than “went to sleep” (which can cause fear about bedtime).
• Keep explanations short and concrete: “Their body stopped working, and they aren’t alive on earth anymore.”

Young children often process truth in small pieces over time. Expect to repeat the conversation.


2. Name both grief and hope
Christian faith gives us a both/and, not an either/or.

• It’s okay—and important—to say:
  • “We are very sad.”
  • “God understands our sadness.”
• And also:
  • “Because Jesus rose from the dead, death is not the end.”

You’re modeling what Scripture shows repeatedly: lament and trust can live together (see the Psalms and Jesus weeping in John 11).  As a sidenote, I would urge to consider the Pixar production called, “Inside Out”  It is a brilliant portrayal of how joy and sadness work together in life.


3. Be concrete about heaven, without speculation
Children think literally. Stick close to what Scripture clearly teaches.
You might say:

• “If someone trusts Jesus, they are with Him when they die.”
• “They are safe, loved, and not hurting anymore.”

Avoid:

• Detailed timelines
• Visual guesses about what heaven looks like
• Statements like “they can see everything you do” (which can cause anxiety and is not true.)

It’s okay to say, “The Bible doesn’t tell us everything, but it tells us enough to trust God.”


4. Let them see your grief
This is especially important.  When children see a parent cry without falling apart, they learn:

• Grief is not dangerous
• Faith doesn’t mean pretending
• God is present in sadness

You can say:  “I’m crying because I miss them—but God is still taking care of me.”  That sentence alone teaches theology, emotional health, and trust.


5. Expect uneven reactions
Young children may:

• Ask a deep question… then go play
• Seem unaffected, then cry days later
• Ask the same question repeatedly

This is normal. Children grieve in doses they can manage.  Don’t correct their emotional timing. Just stay available.


6. Invite questions—and don’t rush answers
When a child asks:  “Will you die too?”  A faithful response might be:  “Yes, someday—but I don’t expect that to be for a long time. And no matter what, God will always take care of you.”  That reassures without lying or overwhelming them.


7. Use simple Scripture and prayer
Choose short, concrete passages, not abstract theology.
Helpful ideas:

• Psalm 34:18 – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.”
• John 11:25 – “I am the resurrection and the life.”

Pray simply:  “Jesus, thank You for loving us. We miss ____. Help us when we feel sad.”  Let your children hear prayer as conversation, not performance.


8. Keep routines—but mark the loss
Normal routines create safety.  Small rituals create meaning.
Examples:

• Lighting a candle on anniversaries
• Saying one thing you’re thankful for about the person
• Drawing pictures or writing a prayer

This teaches that remembering is part of loving.


9. Reassure them about guilt and causation
Children often assume responsibility without saying so.
You may need to say explicitly:

• “Nothing you said or did caused this.”
• “God is not punishing anyone.”

This is crucial, especially for children under 7.


10. Trust God’s gentleness with children
Jesus welcomed children as they were, not as miniature adults.
You are not trying to give them a perfect theology of death—you are:

• Teaching them that God is trustworthy
• That love doesn’t disappear
• That sadness is allowed
• That hope is real

That’s enough.
Besides the actual passing of familial loved ones, you can also consider other ways to introduce the concept of death and dying to your children:

1.  Visiting cemeteries.   This is a good idea if done appropriately.  One might consider the timing, duration, intention, and what it is you are modeling to children.  Keep it short.  Keep it simple and let children lead with questions they may have.  Also, it might be a good idea to do as a ritual to establish rhythm, like on a certain day of the year.
2. Making Memorials.   On one Memorial Day many years ago, we established an ‘Ebenezer Stone’, which is a reference to 1 Samuel 7:2.  It’s a ‘stone of help’.  The idea is to heap up stones in a certain location that is a remembrance of someone in the family who passed away over the year.  We let the children ‘add the stone’ to the pile and it serves as a reminder of lives that have touched us in a special way.  We may add some readings and some testimonials, perhaps even a song, but it’s a short, annual reminder of loss, sadness, and death.  See Point #8 above.
3. The loss of a pet is always a good opportunity to introduce a healthy response to death but it must be handled appropriately to cognitive development.  I would also encourage you to consider your response as placing animals correctly in Christian theology.  This is important—and often mishandled.

·       Pets are part of God’s good creation
·       The Bible doesn’t clearly say animals go to heaven the same way people do
·       God loves what He made and is good and fair
You might say: “God gave us our pet as a gift. We thank Him for that gift, and we trust God with what happens next.”  If your child asks, “Will I see my pet again?”, a wise response is:  “The Bible doesn’t tell us for sure—but it tells us God is good, and nothing He does is cruel or wasteful.” That answer protects both truth and hope.
One of the greatest treasures of life in Christ is the BLESSED HOPE that we will be with loved ones who were saved by faith in Christ again.  It is not a crutch or a false hope.  We do NOT grieve like those who have no hope.  However, we still must grieve.   There are several books that can be read to children regarding the issue of loss and grief.  Here were a few that were recommended to me by friends:
Badger’s Parting Gifts- Susan Varley
Grief Like a Snowflake- Julia Cook
Invisible String- Patrice Karst
Fall of Freddy the Leaf – Leo Buscaglia
It Will Be Okay – Lysa Terkeurst
That Stars That Stay – Brynne Elizabeth Behringer.
(Only one that is written by a man, which is noteworthy.)