To My Son on Becoming a Father

Today, my son and his wife gave birth to my first grandchild, Koen Rayner Smith.  Last week, I sat down with him and presented him with a list of things I wanted him to hear from me about becoming a father.  It is the most important job he will ever have in this life and I wanted to share what I've learned.  Perhaps, it is something you may want to use as a tool for your boys, too....when the time is PERFECT.
 
Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    Your offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them.
Psalm 127:  3-5a
 
Father.  It’s the greatest title you’ll eve know.  It’s been my highest reward and achievement and joy.  No one can prepare you for it.  But I’d like to share with you the things I learned (so far):

• This will be (hopefully) the best season of your life.  Embrace every moment of it and enjoy it as much as you can because it will be over soon.

• Once a dad, always a dad.  The roles will change from Father to hopefully, one day, friend, when they are on their own.  That’s God’s intention and best-case scenario.   Just remember that you are a Father first.

 

• Your children are not yours.  They are God’s.  You are stewards, raising them to let them go and do what God created them for. 

• Children never come between you and your wife.  This is as important for them to see and know as it is for you to know it.  They are the product of your union with your spouse, which God holds as sacred.  That is not the relationship between you and your children.  Continue to make time for your spouse as you raise your children.
  • Alyssa is and should always be the most important person in your life outside of God.  You are a husband before you are a FATHER.  Do not neglect her when you start having your family.  They will be gone someday and you will be back where you started with your spouse and you.

• Sports.  Where your heart is, there will your treasures be too.  Do not serve idols and make sure church is a weekly part of your schedule.  If your child is good enough at something, it will show itself without you serving it as an idol.
  • Decide NOW that you will not let Sports or activities become an idol.  When the temptation comes, it will be too late.
  • Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all other things will be added to you.  (Matthew 6:33)
• Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. (Proverbs 13:24)Discipline is important.  The phrase, “This will hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you” will take on new meaning.  Discipline is love and love has to be tough sometimes.   Always do your discipline in a loving way.  Walk away if you’re angry.  When you discipline, explain why you are doing it and then always finish it with an expression of love.  There should not be ANY anger involved in discipline.  It is a loving action.   It will not be confusing.  It will make perfectly good sense.
  • I encourage you to set up all punishment as a result of a very clearly stated (undesirable) action.  For example, if you do this then this will happen.  But once, not twice or more, it happens, you are obligated to respond as stated.  If you have clearly stated consequences for actions, then children will better understand that the punishment (consistent) is being given because of what they chose to do, which was in rebellion to your command.  This becomes even more important when they get older and boundaries need to be SET.
  • As Wayne Mancari wisely said, ‘When they are children, you’re dealing with rebellion, which is easy to spot.  But when they are adolescent and working through independence, the issue is more defiance and the whole thing is more confusing to sort through.
  • The biblical foundation is that what you sow, you will reap.  There are consequences for our actions.  (Gal 6:7)

• “Cats in the Cradle” is a song by Harry Chapin.  It’s a painful song to hear. You will never regret choosing to spend time with your children over something that seems more important in the moment.  If you have to choose, always pick playing catch, marbles, wrestling, hiking, playing in parks, games, etc.  These are moments you will never get back and they are as important to you as your children.  No one has ever said they regretted spending too much time with their children.
  • PLAY with your children.  Be physical.  Touch.  Kiss. Hug.  Cuddle. Wrestle.  Tickle.  Play hide-and-seek.  Build snowmen.  Swim.  Throw them in the air.  Swing.  Definitely swing.

• The Proverb, “Raise a child in the way they should go and when they are old, t hey shall not depart from it,” (Prov 22:6) has special and overlooked meaning.  I believe it means to discover your child’s spiritual gifts or bent.  It is a key insight to understanding what God made them to do in this world.  Every person has purpose and design.  “We are God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God has prepared in advance for us to do.”  (Ephesians 2:10.) God creates us, equips us, empowers us, for a work to do. Then, when we do it, he rewards us and we do that thing for all eternity because it God’s purpose; not only in this life but in the next.  The clues will be everywhere.  As they start to show themselves keep notes.  Pay attention.  Point the child in THAT direction and nourish and encourage what you see and sense as purpose and God’s plan for their life.

• Children ARE a blessing.  May your quiver be full of them.  Let the Spirit of God lead on the size, timing and make up of your family.  Planning is good and important.  Be in total agreement with Alyssa on these issues.  But know that every child is a blessing from God.

• As a Father, you will give your child the foundations of how they view God.  Jesus did not make a mistake by referring to God as His father.   A father’s role in a child’s life is VITAL.  You shape how they see God.  Holy. Loving. Righteous, Provider, Rock, Strong Tower, Healer, Creator, Sustainer, Redeemer, Covering, Faithful, True, Mighty, Deliverer, Warrior, etc.

• Be Consistent as possible.  When you need to make adjustments in your parenting, make sure you apologize and explain.  Consistency covers a multitude of sins in parenting.  Consistency creates an even environment and important boundary lines.

• Make memories.  Be intentional.  Have your own traditions or pass down traditions that were passed down to you.  This is especially important around holidays.   We had Christmas Chaos, Combermere, and The Mentor Classic.  Places; sounds; smells; echoes of laughter; memories that make you smile. 

• “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”  (Eph 6:4)  What does it mean to ‘provoke’ your children?  Other translations of this passage say, “do not provoke them to anger.”  Be reasonable with your kids.  Give them outlets to express their frustrations without being disrespectful.  Don’t feel like you always have to be right.  Show them that you are willing to listen.  Value what they say.  But you are the king of the castle.  Just don’t ‘lord’ it over them.

• You are going to be a GREAT dad.  You have what you need and you have got what it takes.  I am going to be your biggest cheerleader.  I am going to be a terrific grandpa.  That will be my job now.  I will not try to be your son’s father.  That is your job.  I had my turn at being a Dad and loved it.  Nothing in the world brought me greater joy than being a Dad.  You will come to understand me and God more fully as you grow into Fatherhood.  It’s your turn now.  Embrace it.  I love you.

 
 
DAD